Failure Games
Went a paltry 3-10-0 last week (thought it was only 2 wins, but my drunken ass forgot I bet on the Giants +9.5 #thanksdarts). My best weeks however are usually Weeks 1, 6, and 17. This year a little more tricky, especially if i have to bet on the coaching decisions like below.
Guess who it is: Sean playing Madden DRUNK, or an NFL coach SOBER:
- When you turn the game on, and you see fist/chest pumping furiously between HC and his assistants on the sidelines after the opposing defense commits an offside penalty with 4th-and-3 with 1:45 to go, tied 31-31, opposing team having no timeouts, on the center of the 7-yard-line…..I mean, game over, right?
- Next play: HC/Off. Coordinator: “LETS RUN THE BALL straight up the middle on first down.” (Someone has Le’Veon Bell on their fantasy team!).
- The defense, still playing hard (but not thinking; they didn’t get those scholarships in college for MATH), tackles the ball carrier at the 3-yard-line, stopping him short (and keeping the clock running; may the record show your honor that the defense just set 0:45 on fire). The optimal play on the defensive side is to let them score to get the ball back to try and win the game (see: Packers 1998 Super Bowl and Patriots 2011 Super Bowl…..both teams failed to score, but at least they had the opportunity. Arizona’s Darnell Dockett is still slowly catching on to this).
- Off Coordinator/HC: “Oh wait, you forgot last time to let him score? FINE – LETS RUN THE BALL UP THE MIDDLE AGAIN“. Has the offensive coaching been taken over by a combination of DaGowin and Steve Spurrier? The defense and coach finally figure out this uncomplicated addition problem, and the offense scores a TD, making it 38-31 with 1 minute left to play (Merry fuckin’ Christmas to the offense bettors, we’re live baby)!
- Special Teams Coach: “Instead of squid kicking on a dry, cold field………you know what we should do, up a TD with a minute left? Let’s kick the ball deep to one of the best returners of the second half this year, that way he can get blocks setup to return the KO all the way to the 33-yard-line to setup a short field for a TD*. Let’s make this exciting for the fans at home and those who stayed at the snowy confines of Lambeau Field”. *Listen, Darts and Sean have the offense here…..they pay WAY too much rake to at least not deserve a sweat on these outstandingly mediocre shitty football teams.
- Off Coordinator: “Then we’ll get ball all the way to the 4-yard-line, 0:30 seconds left, no timeouts. You know what we should do? Let’s run the ball up the middle out of the shotgun formation! The Steelers, one of the best run defenses in the NFL, won’t see that coming!”
- Everyone in America: “Dudes you HAVE NO TIMEOUTS!!!!!!11111″
- Shit, of course a pre-snap penalty for false starts as the lineman tried to get a jump on the ball for a RUNNING PLAY. But hey: sick sweat as the time runs off 10 seconds, and the clock starts at the whistle. Gamblers hearts are flurry. Surely the QB, Center, and coach are prepared to get 2, maybe 3 plays off……
- …..Crickets. I’m stunned. Darts is finishing off a vodka nip stunned. Everyone in the crowd, on the stands, the commentators, and worst of all: the most confused is the QB of the football team, Matt Flynn (who was signed by the Raiders for $6.5m/year), who had to be reminded by the referee that THE CLOCK HAS STARTED AT HIS WHISTLE. Instead, a rushed hurried pass play occurs with 0:06 left, and throw a slant incomplete. The defense wins (by default).
Maybe they should have called the below, least he hits this guy in stride:
And remember, as Darts said (after Cleveland’s Grudzinski went for a 2 pointer up 12-3 in the 3rd quarter vs NE for no reason, other than the oracle of a premonition that he was going to lose the game by 1 point, 27-26): “How do these fucking guys have jobs? And get paid millions* to do this shit?”
*Even Marvin Lewis doesn’t screw up that bad (BTW thanks for winning the AFC North division when I got it at +200, coach!).
On second though, I shouldn’t compare these clowns to Drunken Madden Head Coach Sean. Could be onto something, its like Popeye and Spinach! Get me a 12 pack and I turn into the Belligerent Bill Walsh!
NFL Picks: Despite the failure of Mike McCarthy above, taking the Packers -3 (-105) at Chicago. Rodgers at 80% > Cutler at 100%. Although watch Cutler get hurt, McCown wins the game, and Cutler gets let go by the Bears and goes and signs with the New York Jets for $80m/6 years! Fun times!
Tampa at New Orleans Over 47. Will also throw this in teaser with BUF at NE Under 53 (heavy ice/rain downpours are expected on Sunday afternoon, intensifying throughout the game).
Seattle vs St Louis Under 43. Will also tease this with the line at -11 (St Louis defense is good, but not Arizona good, who might be in the best form in the league right now defensively. Too bad Carson Palmer is their QB. Therefore……)
SF -1 (-105) Bet against Carson Palmer in a big game? Yes, plz. Unless they put Patrick Peterson in the game at QB. I might also take the under here, but that’s almost TOO cheeky, especially in the BioDome…..things happen.
KC at SD Over 45 The defensive guys will have been drinking the night before as this game means nothing. Wouldn’t YOU also be drinking in San Diego?
UFC 168:
Uriah Hall vs Chris “The Crippler” Leben Fight goes distance +110 This is a “win-or-lose-your-job” match…and these tend to be close to the vest. One guy is an somewhat over-the-hill former top prospect (who once fought Anderson Silva) and recovering opioid addict (Leben) who is fighting to hang on to his career. The other (Hall)? A young-gun-hype-disappointment that was criticized by UFC President Dana White for being too nice in the ring when it came to hugs and such pre-round. On the other hand, Hall did do this:
Fabricio “Morango” Camoes wins inside distance +650 Small speculative play; if he wins, it’s by submission. Miller, who is a fun fighter to watch and a tough dude from New Jersey (whose brother also fights in the UFC), this will be his 4th fight of the year. Fighters only win around 33-43% of those fights on average because of the wear-and-tear of not just the fights themselves, but mostly due to the training. Probably harder than the fight most of the time, especially in the lower weight classes, because fighters must make weight which is very difficult.
Jim Miller vs Fabricio “Morango” Camoes – Total Rounds Under 2.5 (-115) This could also be fight of the night (20-to-1) if it wasn’t for that Anderson Silva guy fighting. Classic maniac striker (Miller) vs 3rd degree BBJ (Camoes). Camoes also once fought Anderson Silva for 27 minutes…..with his BARE HANDS. This is Camoes first fight in the UFC, despite being a MMA veteran.
Dustin “The Diamond” Poirier vs Diego “DB” Brandao Fight will not go 3 rounds -155 I just saw the weigh-ins, and these motherfucker DO NOT LIKE EACH OTHER. So don’t the girls’ belt clash with Rousey and Tate, but with 10 straight 1st round arm bars for Rousey, that trend just means the line goes to -1400 (+575).
Anderson Silva -185 Why not? He’s HOF, and it’s probably the lowest you’ll ever get him in a fight again, unless it’s Jon “Bones” Jones (who would probably be -125).
