Thursday Links – Free Snuggie!

“The biggest things in life have been achieved by people who, at the start, we would have judged crazy. And yet if they had not had these crazy ideas the world would have been more stupid.” – Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger.

Wenger may not have been referring to the Snuggie specifically in the quote above, but it certainly applies. Fewer products have been loved, mocked, and the subject of pub crawls as much as the Snuggie. And as much as I appreciate being able to answer a corded phone without removing my blanket or attending a sporting event dressed like a monk, I was not about to pay $20 for the privilege of doing so (free book light excluded).

But now, for a limited time only, the Snuggie is free. No, I’m not making that up. Get one here.

These are all excellent questions: Why teach a bear to ice skate? Can a bear do a triple salchow? How does the bear skate–four legs or two? And why, given that it already has sharp claws and teeth, would anyone strap blades on a bear?

A happy ending for the week’s most infamous Phillies fan.

Antoine Walker – Money Manager


(718): what happened last night?
(917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
(718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

Many more of those here.

Redskin & Vegas Fail

In case you haven’t noticed, the Redskins have become the most entertaining team in football.

The owner, Daniel Snyder, is widely reviled in Washington, and for good reason. He meddles, bullies, and trusts his own football judgment too much. John Kent Cooke, who ran the team before Snyder purchased it about a decade ago, remarked recently that Snyder had “destroyed the franchise.” Fans did not generally receive this comment as hyperbole. The issue is not the team’s performance on the field, dismal as that is. It is the culture created by the owner—one of greed, expediency, and mean-spiritedness. The general atmosphere around the team suggests Zimbabwe—a failed state, an intractable dictator, and an impotent and suffering populace.

Dictator Snyder recently banned all signage from FedEx field, with a predictable response from Redskin fans:

Mike Broderick, a longtime season ticket holder, [came] to the Chiefs game with Dumb and Dumber signs, attracting a security official who threatened to seize his season tickets. (See above.) The guard told Broderick he could either go to the security office, leave the stadium, or hand over the signs. So Broderick asked if he could put the image on a t-shirt instead.

“That would be kind of offensive,” the security official said.

“It’s offensive to come to these games,” Broderick said he replied.

Broderick made it in safely Monday night:

Dan Snyder & Vinny Cerrato Dumb & Dumber

Gamblers who bet on the Redskins were also treated to the following:

For those who were lucky enough not to watch, the Redskins did everything below (in order) and still managed to not cover by only a couple of points:

1. Concede ridiculous 67 yard touchdown on reverse to DeSean Jackson
2. Asinine pick 6 from deep in their own territory
3. Fumble on ensuing possession allows Eagles to kick FG without picking up a 1st down
4. Muffed punt allows Eagles to kick FG without picking up a 1st down
5. Blown coverage gives Eagles a 57 yard TD on 3rd & 22
6. Center snaps ball off own leg on 4th and goal from the 4.

Most of this can be attributed to the Redskins own incompetence, but even though they blow at football, I’d bet that you’ll be hard pressed to find another game this year where they manage do so this much stupid stuff. Fuck Us.

Week 7 was also bad for Vegas. ”I can’t remember an NFL season with this many bad teams,” said Las Vegas Hilton sports book director Jay Kornegay, who has been in the business for 22 years. “No doubt, it was the worst day ever for the books.

”We can’t attract money on these poor teams. We keep losing on the same teams. They are not even close to covering.”

“We’ve had bad teams in the NFL before, but usually one or two step up and cover,” Kornegay said. He paused and issued a gallows humor laugh. “I feel like we’re in a knife fight and we’re losing.

NFL Week 8 Early Leans & Stats of the Week

Fun times on Sunday in two of the few competitive games of the day. Both New Orleans and Pittsburgh clinched miracle covers in the final two minutes of their games by returning an interception for a score. Pittsburgh’s cover was thanks to Minnesota’s Chester Taylor and Brett Favre.

Favre didn’t look like he was having much fun out there when he slid at Keyaron Fox’s feet on the return without actually making contact with him. Admittedly, it was only the second worst “tackle” of the game.

Watch Jeff Reed’s Tackle

Miami’s failing was even more special. Not only were the Fins (+7) winning by 10 real points to start the 4th quarter, New Orleans was kind enough to miss an extra point on their go-ahead touchdown AND kick a field goal from Miami’s 3 on their next drive to make the score 40-34 with 3:20 to play. Then Chad Henne stepped in (skip to 5:00 minute mark).

Stats of the Week

1) Sunday was only the second time in Alex Smith‘s career he has thrown 3 touchdown passes in a game, the other in 2006 versus Oakland. He replaced Shaun Hill at halftime for the 49ers and has been named the starter for next week’s game at Indy.

2) The Carolina Panthers have 21 turnovers in six games.

3) Miami’s 34 points were the most by a losing team in over a year (35 by the Cardinals losing in week 4 last season to the Jets).

4) Despite having only three penalties for 22 yards against Carolina Sunday, the Bills are still the most penalized team in the league averaging 71.57 penalty yards per game. #2? The Saints at 71.1.

5) The Arizona Cardinals have the league’s #1 run defense, allowing 3 yards/carry and 67.5 yards/game.

6) Redskins QB Jason Campbell has 10 fumbles already this season.

7) New Orleans has scored 45 points or more in four of their six games this season.

8) The Atlanta Falcons have never won a game under Mike Smith when trailing at halftime.

9) Derek Anderson’s first quarter against the Packers – 5/6 for 69 yards. His line for the day – 12/29 for 99 and an INT.

10) Road favorites were 7-1 this weekend. The one loser was Chicago (-1) at Cincy.

Week 8 Early Leans

I went 0-2-1 last week thanks to Shaun Hill and the Saints miracle cover. I sincerely hope no one is following my picks at this point. These are leans which may or may not be worse than what I end up going with on Friday/Saturday.

Houston @ Buffalo +3.5
Minnesota @ Green Bay -3

2009 NFL Week 7 & UFC 104 Picks

Short on time this weekend…UFC picks that you should follow if you can get a comparable price are here.


San Francisco @ Houston -3
NY Jets @ Oakland +6
New Orleans @ Miami +7

Week 7 Rambling Drill

Didn’t get a chance to catch many games last week thanks to me and my buddy Greg going to that abortion of an effort the Titans put on Sunday in a 59-0 rout by my Pats.  The game, by far, had to be the worst weather I have ever seen a game in.  It, however, was an enjoyable experience.  The highlights included:

Checking out the 3 story Pro Bass and Hunting Shop in Patriot Place before the tailgate was open.  It featured a arcade shooting gallery, a 10 foot fish tank filled with cool looking trout, stripers and bass, sections for both boats AND grills/smokers, as well as a section (in the back, ironically) that sold guns.  I got a chance to hold a 9mm Smith and Wesson Gloc, which weighed as much as my head, which enabled me to live out my dream, even for 5 minutes, to feel like Plaxico Burress.  Except I didn’t shoot myself in the leg; I left that task to LenDale White later in the ballgame (not only did he fumble two handoffs, but also had to be carried off the field with a knee  Maybe its time to get back on the Cuervo train, LenDale).

Our tailgate efforts became an epic fail after about a half hour when the rain started to pick up.  Before then, however, we were talking about how cool it was the constituents of Massachusetts voted on decriminalizing marijuana, and how that could lead to it being legal completely in California.  The guys next to us overheard, and just handed us a free gram of their homegrown to try!

Then we had to get in the car because the hail started to come.  Then the 40 mph winds.  Then it became snow, and the temperature dipped about 20 degrees in 45.9 seconds.  It was like the weather in the Adrian Peterson Nike commercial.  Thank god for satellite radio, beer, and weed to keep us entertained before we got inside.

Then, around 3:30, we headed in.  This was also when the storm was at its worst.  Winds up to 60 mph.  Snow AND sleet pounding our face, as if they were sharp knives thrown by flying ninja monkeys.  Walking into the stadium was an adventure, I got blown down from the wind a few times.  I saw a girl slip and fall on her ass, and watched a couple of under dressed dudes (one with a hole in his shoe) stave off hypothermia by chugging a flask of whiskey on their way into Gillette.  It was awesome and intimidating at the same time.  The only thing left missing in our short adventure of a walk to our seats was a labyrinth, guarded by a Minotaur wearing a John Hannah jersey on throwback day, on the way into the stadium.

Once in the stadium, we felt the best thing to do in this winter wonderland was to get a beverage; nothing says, “freeze my nuts off” more like Margaritas, baby!  Nine bucks a pop is steep, but they were actually quite delicious.  Also delicious were the cheerleaders, dressed up in slutty outfits for Halloween day at the stadium in this horrid weather.  Somewhere, feminists were angry, but seeing a 20-something, with a forced smile, getting paid 46 bucks to wear a Wonder Woman thong-outfit dancing to AC/DC’s, “Thunderstuck” while losing the nerves in her feet, makes me proud as an American.  We both cheered, “Hooray, America!” and happily agreed (at this point, the smiles were frozen on our face) that this is what our fore fathers fought for.

That song is also the exact point of the game the Titans decided to mentally get back on the bus.  I was happy, because this also provided a fantasy freeroll as I have Chris Johnson (who had 104 yds rushing) in my 14-man league, and didn’t have to worry about my selfish monetary conflicts affecting my fandom.  This is why I don’t have Yankees on my fantasy baseball team; and also why I have never cashed in any of my fantasy baseball leagues.

There was one play where the Pats where on their 15th consecutive TD drive (they got 33 first downs!), Keith Bullock had to call timeout at the Titans 5 yard line.  He just put his hands up in the air towards the Titans bench, placed his hands on his hips, and slowly tilted his head down in epic failure.  And it was awesome.

Although on the way home (we left with about 10 minutes left in the 4th), I was listening to the radio call by the Pats play-by-play guys, and have never heard the following from Gil Santos: “Titans on their own 15 yard line, 1st and 10.  Snap, Young hands off to Javon Ringer, and he is……oh my, the poor thing……..just swallowed up at the 13 by 7 Patriots defenders.  This is awful, just horrible.  They really just need to kneel on the ball and pack it in.  The kid doesn’t deserve this, he’s just a rookie.  Sums just the game right there, Geno.”  Geno: “Yup, time for Jeff Fisher to start a drinking habit!” (OK, I made that up, but pretty much implied in that statement).

Although when I got home to thaw out my balls, I had the pleasure of catching NFL Gameday, my new favorite show.  I was pleased to hear Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders, and Coach Mariucci snicker not once, but twice, when Eisen was describing Vikings’ TE Visanthe Shiancoe, “popping out on a valve route” or “dangling around the back of the end zone”.  It also featured thehighlight 3-block play of Louis Murphy on Zach Miller’s TD catch, which pretty much should be shown to every want-to-be football player in America.  Just awesome.

The DeSean Jackson Award of the week goes to Alabama Safety Mark Barron (video around 2:23), who (thanks to going up again inept at times Gamecocks’ coach Steve Spurrier, who should have challenged) threw the ball backwards on one of only 2 TDs in the game (hit the under!).  The video doesn’t show it real well, but on ESPN’s reverse wire camera angle, it is clear he throws the ball backwards at around the 1 yard line.  Why do kids do this?  Is it because the SEC is so nitty on celebrations, that instead of doing a dance, they throw the ball backwards near the goalline?  I’d rather take the penalty and the points!

Roger Goodell wants to not only have the Super Bowl in London, but also a team.  No, no, and no.  Just stupid.  The Brits don’t care, they have commie roundball in form of the Barclay’s Premier League to watch.  No player would want to play there, the road trips would be brutal (imagine a 10-12 hour road trip to San Diego?  What would the line be for the London Tallywhackers, +20?), and the weather is shitty.  If they ever have the Super Bowl in London, just call it the Super Bowel, because that is what it would be.  How about the rotation of New Orleans/San Diego/Miami/Vegas?  So much better destinations!

Onto the picks:

College 6pt Teaser:

LSU -2 vs Auburn

USC -14.5 vs Oregon State


Oakland +6.5 vs NY Jets

Oakland, I guess, IS a professional football team!  I have to bet on Louis Murphy’s boys here getting the job done.  The Jets are 1-10 in Oakland, their only win coming in the AFL era under Namath in the 1960’s.  Not only that, they may start to hate their coach, who seems more and more shaky as they lose each week.  Maybe if he didn’t call a team’s gameplan (one that beat him) a “gimmick”, and maybe had a sense of humor like Jeff Fisher, his players wouldn’t be so down on themselves when things start going bad in games.  Plus they have no Kris Jenkins, big day for Fargas and Bush, methinks.  Plus, Sanchez and J.Russell’s combined QB rating will be at around 19.5…..the under is 34.5 (lol).

Indianapolis -13.5 @ St.Louis

It’s in a dome, off a bye week with Freeney getting healthy, and Bob Sanders is back.  And the Colts, unlike the Jaguars, are actually a good football team.  I wonder if Mark Bulger says to Kyle Boller, “Hey, you want a few snaps?  I have to check up on how Peyton is doing on my fantasy team.”

GB -7/-9 @ Cleveland

I got this at -7 before the flu hit Cleveland’s locker room.  Their best player, DT Shawn Rogers, is questionable.  I’d still take the 9….. Green Bay knows it needs to beat up on the creampuffs on its schedule to have any shot of making the division close with Minny, who they play in a few weeks in Lambeau.

6pt teaser of the Week:

KC +11 vs San Diego

NYG -1 vs Arizona

Tennis Gambling

Story about how a surge of gambling went on during a WTA event when microphones picked up a father telling his 6th ranked daughter to retire due to injury.  There was commotion as gamblers used the info to bet live and heavily on the other girl, with many calling this unethical.  Random commenter on and possible future blogger on summed things up nicely

“I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t place bets online for overseas women’s tennis.”

Truer words rarely spoken.  The girl retired when leading 7-5, 5-0, miracle cover, with the aid of technology.

Things you should probably like in Week 7

I think you have to like any situation right now where Minnesota is getting points, especially more than three.  On the other side, before the season started I would have said there was no way the Vikings would win over 11 games (in fact I bet on that) and there was hardly a chance the Steelers would win less than 10.  In fact, looking at their schedule right now, it is mind-blowing how many games the Steelers may lose this year.  They have the softest schedule possible for a team defending.  If Minnesota wins, though, both of those could happen.

You pretty much have to like any team getting more than a field goal against the Jets right now, and all jokes aside, Oakland is just such a team.  I apparently have jumped the Oakland bandwagon.  They are the only team of the group I picked last week that covered, let’s follow this ride and see what happens.

In the same vein, you have to like any team getting more than 5 against the Panthers this year, cue Buffalo.  Buffalo has a solid defense, Terrell Owens, and Jake Delhomme.

And you have to like the Saints when they are anything less than a touchdown favorite, see minus six at Miami.  I know Miami will probably hold the ball for 42 minutes, but the Saints look like world beaters at the moment.

So, for Week 7, Minnesota – Oakland – Buffalo – New Orleans

Extra note MNF – Have to like Philly, even at minus 7.

And a thought, why do the Chiefs always have 1 o’clock kick offs?  They are in the AFC West you know?  I am pretty sure looking at their schedule they have ZERO home games this year starting after 1:15 eastern.

Thursday Links

It’s not every day that I get to start off a post talking about whale penis. Apparently, someone thinks it’s comfortable.

Some analysis of the unheralded Saints offensive line.

Brett Favre – Tecmo Bowl Hero

It turns out that yes, NBA players gamble during games. And some of them don’t want to pay up.

How The Roots became Jimmy Fallon’s house band:

We called him back, but it was a crazy Mexican stand off. We said, “OK, we’ll consider it,” but he thought we were bluffing, then of course we thought he was bluffing. It took about three weeks for everyone to put their guns down and take each other seriously because time was ticking. He needed to get a band, and we had three weeks to convince each other we were serious and finally put our guns down and be serious about it.

Matt Taibbi is one of my favorite writers. This is too funny to be made up:

…apologize for the long absence, have been on some other stuff. Among other things dealing with a lot of disgruntled Cleveland Browns fans who are pissed that I compared Eric Mangini to Augustus Gloop, the pudgy kid who was drinking from the chocolate river without permission in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I thought Browns fans would find this funny, but apparently not. I got one letter from someone who expressed the feeling that if I were ever to have kids, he hoped “they would be born with Achondroplasia.” So I’m sitting there scratching my head, wondering what Achondroplasia is, and right on cue, two minutes later, he sends me a link to an X-ray picture of someone with the disease. I have to admit, I burst out laughing when I saw the picture — not because the disease is funny (it isn’t, not at all), but just because someone was feeling so crappy about their football team that they felt compelled to dig that horrifying thing up to send to some writer bashing their team. I mean, I totally understand the guy.

Wade Phillips – Overcommunicator

Patrick Crayton is willing to say what the Dallas Cowboys coaches wouldn’t: He’s been replaced in the starting lineup by Miles Austin.

Crayton just wishes somebody would have told him that. He figured it out Monday, when Austin worked opposite Roy Williams in two-wide receiver sets.

Awesomeness from Chuck Klosterman. Think about this the next time Ron Jaworski starts bashing the wildcat. Read the whole thing:

Whenever an innovation fails to result in a title, its unorthodoxy takes the hit; every time a football coach tries something unorthodox, he is blasted for not playing “the right way.” But all that “not playing the right way” means is that a coach is ignoring the eternal lie of football: the myth that everything done in the past is better than anything that could be invented in the present. As a result, the public arm of football — the conservative arm — bashes innovation immediately, even while adopting the principles it attacks. The innovators are ridiculed. And that kind of reaction is reassuring to fans, because it makes us feel like football is still the same game we always want to remember. It has a continuity of purpose. It symbolizes the same ideals and appeals to the same kind of person. It feels conservative, but it acts liberal. Everything changes, but not really.

The 2009 Dodgers NLCS. Epic Fail in words and pictures.

Instructions for replicating the best burger ever.

This makes the Troy/FIU game look completely legitimate. There’s a video too.:

Here’s the setup — Going into the last day of the Maranhão State League second division season in Brazil yesterday, two clubs sat atop the league with the same number of points: Viana and Moto Club. On this decisive day, Viana hosted Chapadinha, a club they had a scoreless draw with the last time they played, and Moto Club took on Santa Quiteria. Both games were scheduled to take place at exactly the same time and both Viana and Moto needed a win to take the league title.

Everything went like normal until word reached Viana — who were up 2-0 on Chapadinha 35 minutes in the second half — heard that Moto Club were winning their match, too. Then things got a little fishy. And by that I mean Chapadinha players began to WALK OFF THE PITCH and as Viana proceeded to score nine goals in the final nine minutes of the match to win 11-0. A bit odd, no? I mean, watch the video above. It’s like watching someone play FIFA with the difficulty set to “special needs”.

Lastly, Mrs. Jose Lima is also better at the internet than you.

Troy – Florida International (FIU) Miracle Cover

Apologies for missing this earlier in the week. From last Saturday and Troy was anywhere from an 8 to 9.5 point favorite:

FIU had just attempted a 4th and goal and didn’t score, that’s where we pick up the action with Troy in the lead 42-27……

Troy ball at 1:37 left in 4th quarter

1st and 10 at TROY 6: TROY penalty 3 yard Delay of Game on Team accepted.
1st and 13 at TROY 3: Levi Brown rush for 2 yards to the Troy 5.
2nd and 11 at TROY 5: Timeout FLORIDA INTL, clock 1:32.
2nd and 11 at TROY 5: Levi Brown rush for no gain, fumbled, forced by FIU, recovered by Troy Levi Brown at the Troy 5.
3rd and 11 at TROY 5: Team rush for a loss of 1 yard to the Troy 4.
4th and 12 at TROY 4: Team rush for a loss of 2 yards to the Troy 2.

DRIVE TOTALS: TROY drive: 4 plays -4 yards, 01:33 TROY DOWNS

FIU ball at 0:04

1st and Goal at TROY 2: Paul McCall pass complete to Jason Frierson for 2 yards for a TOUCHDOWN.

Score: 42-33

End of 4th Quarter

You’d think they could waste two extra seconds in there somehow. Troy’s QB must not be on good terms with his defense.

NFL Week 7 Early Leans & Stats of the Week

0-4 on NFL again last week and I’m definitely blaming commie roundball, which was profitable. I’m pretty sure minor league mascots could do a better job picking games at this point.

1) Why certain teams are winning (via Lombardi). Last night was the fourth consecutive game the Denver Broncos defense has held an opponent to zero third-down conversions in the second half (23 attempts). The Broncos have allowed only two second-half third-down conversions this season.

2) After giving up over 600 yards rushing in their first three games, the Texans have allowed only 45 yards/game in their last three outings.

3) Sunday was the first time in two years the Chiefs and Raiders won on the same day.

4) Browns quarterbacks since 2004: Jeff Garcia, Kelly Holcomb, Luke McCown, Trent Dilfer, Charlie Frye, Derek Anderson, Brady Quinn, Ken Dorsey and Bruce Gradkowski.

5) Derek Anderson’s career completion percentage is 53.5. Chad Pennington is the all-time leader at 66.1%. Jamarcus Russell for his career is at 51.8.

6) The New England Patriots are 11-0 at home in snow games.

7) The Minnesota Vikings were outgained by their opponents for the 3rd straight week (448-426). Their offense (2nd in the league in scoring) has been remarkably consistent. They have had no fewer than 18 first downs and 27 points in every game this season, and have only turned the ball over four times.

8) Adrian Peterson is the only running back averaging over 100 yards/game (104). Big, bright shining star Visanthe Shiancoe is tied with Larry Fitzgerald for the league lead in receiving touchdowns with 5.

9) Aaron Rogers was sacked 5 times versus the Lions. He’s now been sacked 25 times in 5 games, 6 more than any other QB.

10) (Via TMQ) New Orleans has scored on their opening drive in every game this season.

Week 7 leans

Arizona @ New York Giants -7
San Francisco @ Houston -3