Follow-ups and excerpts from the Marvin Harrison story.

Jason Fagone also wrote an awesome story on Tim Tebow a few months back.

All these humanizing details tend to take the edge off the fact that Tebow’s entire role-model persona doesn’t work unless he can convey that, fundamentally, he’s better than you: stronger, more capable, more at peace, just basically happier. This is what the people who make fun of Tebow are skewering—his cult of personality. When Obama invited the Gators to the White House earlier this year, the sports blog Deadspin ran a picture of Tebow’s “steely-eyed Manshake” with the president under the cheeky headline our two greatest leaders make a pact to save the world.

But in Gainesville, in close quarters with 52,000 other students, where there’s already a statue of him, seven feet tall, carved from an oak tree—”Tim Treebow”—he’s universally adored. I try to find people to talk shit about him. I fail.

Ichiro! did an extensive interview last week and among other things talked about negativity and not getting fat. He’s probably my favorite active player and it’s not solely because he carries his bats in a briefcase.

A lot of people for a long time have thought that you can’t do this forever. A lot of people were thinking by now Ichiro would be a three hitter, he would be hitting 40 homeruns a year, but you can still do everything you did before. Are you in any way surprised that you are still doing these things and what is your reaction when people say Ichiro is going to move on and become this?

Probably for my style of baseball the key to maintaining it is not to get a gut.

As far as what other people say… The thing is a lot of people who comment about other people, especially people who say negative things about other people, they are not really in positions to be able to evaluate other people in the first place. If we input that information into ourselves more than necessary only negative things will come of that. So it is really about knowing yourself and not being controlled by people who have no value or say. I guess now that we have talked about this I guess you can say that is one key to where I am now is that I have not been swayed by what other people have said.

If you could trade places with anybody in the history of the game for one day who would you like to trade with and why?

(Becomes very animated)

There’s not really a certain who that comes to mind but I think I would like to become a really fat player. (Raucous laughter) Maybe not necessarily fat, but a really, really big player and the reason for that is when I see really, really big players able to perform in baseball I always think to myself how are they able to do that? Because I think to be able to be a good baseball player you have to be able to control your body and for them to have really big bodies and to perform well in this very difficult game of baseball, I am very curious.

Some other people say, ‘You are so small, how come you are able to perform on the baseball field?’ but to me it is only natural because with me I am able to control my movements and my body. For me it is the opposite. Big guys? How are you able to do it? That is a big mystery. (much laughter)

The first half of this Chargers mailbag reads like someone made it up. Actual answer to one of the questions, “I’m going to assume you’re joking. I can’t tell anymore with some of y’all.” Some highlights out of context:

There is a rumor floating around that several Chargers were “partying” .. Saturday night and well into Sunday morning before the game. Can any of this be confirmed?

Regarding Marty, I thought he was just plain stupid. Push come to shove, I take Norv…but I wish he was our offensive coordinator. That is his destiny in life, and that’s ok.

…and Kaeding???The boy can’t seem to handle pressure in the play-offs,that scares me going forward because he’s so darn good in the regular season,how do you justify a switch?I can’t think of a good question,because honestly,I think we’re as good as any team out there,I’m just confused as heck by yesterdays game,GO BOLTS…ALL THE WAY IN ‘10…God,I hate baseball season….

I’ll skip this excerpt on this one, but Joe P. telling stories about Buck O’Neil = awesome.

Some NBA action…

Good Josh Smith

And bad Josh Smith (more accurately, why is Jeff Green not in the dunk contest?)

Lastly, here’s a collection of Jack Nicholson enjoying the Lakers this season.

Congrats to Alabama, who somehow held on and covered the 3.5-4.5 vs Texas in the BCS Title game.  Lou made a good point……did ANYONE bet on Texas except for alumni and those from the state?  Maybe they major in Cummunications like the Jeron Johnson of Boise State:

Here is video of a crazy ending to the Florida/NC State Hoops this week

BTW, make sure to get your picks into Miracle Covers before Saturday 4:30, we have about 6 people so far.  Here are my picks for the week:

Bengals -2.5 vs Jets

Everyone and their mom loves the Jets, and I am with Simmons that taking a rookie QB on the road is not the best thing, I learned that last year backing up the truck on Matt Ryan in Arizona.  I mean, the Jets do have the better overall team, but if they fall 10-0 on the road in a VERY cold, windy, and hostile Bengals home crowd, I just don’t see it in Sanchez to give them the throws they need to beat Cincy, even as bad as Cincy looked last week.  Plus everyone loading up on the Jets in good pick’em karma, IMO.

Dallas -4 vs Philly

I really don’t want to pick the game.  The thought of having to decide whether to pick a game where my choices of  teams are coached by Andy Reid or Wade Phillips makes me have seizures. Dallas has dominated Philly so far but it is so hard to win 3 times in a row versus another team.  But the Jackson  injury at center for the Eagles I think is a huge loss because he’d been calling the protections for 7 years straight, and now it’s some rookie who also BTW has to block Jay Ratliff.   I don’t like putting money anywhere near a team who is coached by a “Phillips”,  it’s a heart attack waiting to happen, but Dallas has played their best ball going into the playoffs, and that’s what you look for in betting.

NE  -3 vs Baltimore

I’ll be at this one, and I think the Pats can muster up some Foxboro magic despite losing Welker to eek this out at home.  Flacco has played like crap since Green  Bay game and the Ravens and bengals are the only two teams who can NOT take advantage of the Pats shitty secondary because of their equally-as-shitty WR corps.  Belichick usually takes away what you do well, and that’s Ray Rice for the Ravens.  Take him out, and the Pats should win with home cooking behind them and rally around Wes.

Green Bay +1 @ Arizona

Listen to the Bill Simmons’ Playoff preview podcast and Mike Lombardi made some real good points on how you can take away things from a preseason game and a somewhat of a preseason game in Green Bay’s 67-3 total drubbing of the Cardinals in their last 2 ballgames.  Essentially, the Packers can do whatever they want on both lines of scrimmage, meaning Warner might get pressured into some turnovers.  The Packers 3-4 defense scheme matches up well vs what the Cardinals do, Clay Matthews had 6 pressures last week alone.  The Cardinals may not have Boldin either.  Plus I love taking Aaron Rodgers versus a average defense in a dome.  The only thing that worries me about Green Bay: after Minnesota, they have the worst special teams in the playoffs.  That and the “Arizona is an NBA team” factor as like last year when everyone loaded up against them, they are the only team in football history who can turn the switch on and off from F-level team to SB contender.

Herm Edwards’ advice for Tiger Woods

Thanks to Brian Billick, his adjective for Jay Cutler, “Jeff Georgish”, is now going to be an EXTENSIVE part of my sports vocab on Sundays from now on.  You can even apply it to other things in life, like restaurant reviews: “Heading into an Italian dinner in the North End I was excited, but after having the rubbery pasta, it meal itself was a bit Jeff Georgish.”

Looks like the guys who made the Comcast info descriptions for TV programs don’t try that hard:

At least the Entertainment Division seems to be stepping up it’s game:

Onto NCAA News, congrats to the South Carolina Gamecocks who will face UConn in the PapaJohns.com Bowl, and to the Clemson Tigers who will face the Kentucky Wildcats in the GAYlord Hotels Bowl.  Way to go, fellas!  We’ll keep a close eye on these bowls here at Miracle Covers because quite simply, people who gamble on these games will be the only ones watching them.

Brad Gradkowski blowing out his knee may have saved by Oakland Raiders under season 5.5 bet (they have 4 wins now).  They were playing well under him and even beat Pittsburgh IN Pittsburgh.  Now Oakland has to rely on the Charlie Frye and/or JaMarcus Russell experience.  I think my bet is safe.

If the Cowboys lose the rest of their games in December, I ship my under bet with them as well.  Not out of the realm of possibility.

Here are the picks of the week, I have Jax in a teaser which shipped its end last night if it wasn’t for Peyton Manning, who is a machine.  12-12, 116, 2 Tds in 10 minutes in the 1st half alone last night.  Ridiculious.  I am sure GB will lose by 8 on Sunday.

6 pt Teasers:

Jax +9 vs Colts

GB +7 vs Pittsburgh

and

Denver -7.5 vs Oakland (led by Charlie Frye!)

San Diego -0.5 vs Cincinnati

Dallas/NO Over 52.5

Baltimore -10 vs Chicago (Good thing I got this in on Monday, now at 11)

When this happens in a game, I think that means it’s time for Bobby Bowden to retire.  The play is almost Longest Yard-esque, I wonder if the QB banged his girl or didn’t pay for that lineman’s dinner the night before.

Who would of thought the Miracle of the Year would have came from the CFL?

The Chinese News version on what REALLY happened with Tiger on his adventure of a Thanksgiving.

Ron Artest used to drink at halftime when he was with the Bulls. Thanks to the article on ESPN, I now know that, “Hennessy is a French cognac.”

Last week’s epic Oakland @ Dallas tilt featured both teams having NO turnovers.  I think this is proof that God doesn’t exist.

Here are the lines:

NCAA:

Texas -14 vs Nebraska Big12 Championship

NFL:

Minnesota -3.5 @ Arizona

Detroit @ Cincy Under 42

6pt Teaser

SD -7.5 @ Cleveland

NYG +8.5 vs Dallas

“Lou should change the name to ‘Miracle Covers: Losing at Sports.’”

Pastability, let’s take a look at some things…

It was over the Thanksgiving holiday when I remembered one of my favored forms of NFL gambling, which is to parlay the money line on two or three heavily favored teams.  Unfortunately it seems that Allen Gowin’s bookie does not really do money line bets which is a shame, but here is an idea for Sunday if you have such capabilities.

Cincinnati, Philadelphia, San Diego

With the help of our friends at parlaycalculator.com, you are getting essentially a 2/3 return on bets (one hundred nets you 163 and change).  A couple of thoughts on this.

*  This may seem obvious as this is a bet centered entirely on winning the game and not covering a spread, but you want teams involved where you say to yourself, “I’m not sure on what’s going to happen, but I simply do not see X losing this game.”  Going to the example of this Thanksgiving, Green Bay and Dallas looked very strong to win the game.  Some may at that point may have felt like getting a better return on their money by throwing in a Giant addition, but do you really want to bank on an essentially .500 team on the road against a team with a winning record?  This may wreak of hindsight but whatever.  People might object here that I did not include two heavy home favorites, Minn and Atlanta, in the parlay.  But the problem is I could see the Bears and/or the Bucs winning.  If you don’t, throw the fuckers in, but for me, it doesn’t pass the crucial test.

*  I am not a huge fan of this strategy for college games.  The NFL is crazy enough, but when you add nineteen year old qbs and kickers, football can escalate to a new level of weird.  Just see some of USC’s recent games in the last few years.  However, if you are looking for some recommendations I would stick with proven programs like Boise State (not when they’re 40 pt favorites).  Right now  on television I am watching Pitt/W Va.  How shocking was that a few years ago when Pitt won in West Virginia with W Va playing for the BCS championship?  I would have bet my house on that money line.

Some thoughts on the lines this weekend…

I am not guaranteeing I am putting money on any of these games, just some thoughts.

Clemson and Tennessee only giving up three points to South Carolina and Kentucky respectively seems a bit outrageous to me.  I might have to parlay that.

I do not have any figures in front of me but I bet there is a decent amount of unbiased money going on the Panthers against the Jets.  Carolina is playing very well and 5 Ints are quickly becoming known as “The Dirty Sanchez.”  But I like the Jets this week.  The Jets are giving three points at home to a hot Carolina team, but the Jets have a very solid defense and Jake Delhomme is due to lay an atomic bomb this week after a month of very good football.

Alabama @ Auburn Under 48

NFL:

Indy @ Houston Over 47

Teaser 6pt

Philadelphia -3 vs Washington

Cincy -8 vs Browns

PARLAY NUMBER ONE

Colorado (+17) @ Oklahoma State w/ NFL Game under

PARLAY NUMBER TWO

Carolina (-3) ((-125)) w/ College game over

If I hit one of these parlays I win a little, both and I am da man.  Been drinkin’ since 2 pm.  Love and booze.

It’s almost as bad as the Las Vegas SemiPro special teamer who tackles his own punt returner. “Oh wait, he’s on my own team?  Shit!”

Onto the picks:

NCAA:

South Carolina/Arkansas under 54

NFL:

Philly -3 vs Dallas

Betting against Romo on the road? Yes, plz!

Detroit ML +400 @ Seattle

5 to win 25? Why not?

6 pt Teaser:

ATL -4 vs Redskins

CIN +9 vs BAL

Central Florida (+34.5) @ Oklahoma

Central Florida is a good program.  Their only three losses are to Southern Miss, East Carolina, and Miami, with two of those on the road.  Back in Vegas last year I would have taken UCF and to cover myself a bit I would have taken the over which is 49.5.  That way the only way you lose both is if Ok wins like 42-0.

Texas A&M @ Colorado (over 57)

I like this because the game is at Colorado, which theoretically means they will be dictating the pace a bit and they have a tendency to be involved in high scoring affairs.  And A&M can put up numbers themselves.

LSU @ Alabama (-7.5)

Only reason I am putting money on this is because it is the game of the week and it will be give me something to entertain myself with while working at City Sports this afternoon.

NFL to follow tomorrow…

Houston @ Buffalo

Right off the bat a game where an injury has major implications.  Johnson is supposedly playing, though.  Im going to make this line Houston -.5 even though I know that line does not happen.  Houston minus 3.5

Browns @ Bears

Browns still a train wreck.  Bears minus 10  Bears minus 13

Seahawks @ Cowboys

Cowboys looked good last week.  Cowboys minus 7.5  Dallas minus 9.5

Rams @ Lions

Wow and yuck.  wuck.  Lions minus 3  Lions minus 4

49ers @ Colts

Not sure how Vegas is feeling with the Alex Smith situation, but Colts minus 11 sounds about right.  Indy minus 12.5

Dolphins @ Jets

Jets minus 3.  This line has to  be either 3 or 3.5  Jets minus 3.5

Giants @ Eagles

Eagles minus 3.5, pretty much the same logic as the Jets game.  Division rivals = home team field goal favorite in most cases. Giants minus 1

Broncos @ Ravens

How much respect is Vegas going to give the Denver 6-0?  That’s the question here.  Ravens minus 1  Ravens miuns 3.5

Jags @ Titans

Now going back a few games you just heard me say that biz about division rivals and field goals and blah blah.  But this game has to be an exception in my eyes.  Jags minus 1.5  Titans minus 3

Raiders @ Chargers

Oakland played well week 1 in this game.  Still, this has to be around San Diego minus 10  San Diego minus 16.5

Panthers @ Cardinals

As I was starting this blog I saw Delhomme is starting this week.  Cardinal D is looking like a legitimate fantasy option.  Cardinals minus 8  Cardinals minus 10

Vikings @ Packers.

Didn’t see the Steeler game last week but it sounded like Favre was gun slinging again at the end.  Packers minus 3  Pack minus 3

Falcons @ Saints

The Falcons have been playing pretty suspect the last couple of weeks.  Might have to bet this game regardless if the line is right.  Saints minus 7.5  Saints minus 10.5

So, according to this I have to bet on Oakland.  I don’t love it, but it’s not that horrible.  The tease will make the Raiders more than a three touchdown underdog.  If they can score two touchdowns against a San Diego defense that has been far from “lights out” this year that should pretty much get things done.  Let’s get back on the Oakland express one more week.

Checking out the 3 story Pro Bass and Hunting Shop in Patriot Place before the tailgate was open.  It featured a arcade shooting gallery, a 10 foot fish tank filled with cool looking trout, stripers and bass, sections for both boats AND grills/smokers, as well as a section (in the back, ironically) that sold guns.  I got a chance to hold a 9mm Smith and Wesson Gloc, which weighed as much as my head, which enabled me to live out my dream, even for 5 minutes, to feel like Plaxico Burress.  Except I didn’t shoot myself in the leg; I left that task to LenDale White later in the ballgame (not only did he fumble two handoffs, but also had to be carried off the field with a knee  Maybe its time to get back on the Cuervo train, LenDale).

Our tailgate efforts became an epic fail after about a half hour when the rain started to pick up.  Before then, however, we were talking about how cool it was the constituents of Massachusetts voted on decriminalizing marijuana, and how that could lead to it being legal completely in California.  The guys next to us overheard, and just handed us a free gram of their homegrown to try!

Then we had to get in the car because the hail started to come.  Then the 40 mph winds.  Then it became snow, and the temperature dipped about 20 degrees in 45.9 seconds.  It was like the weather in the Adrian Peterson Nike commercial.  Thank god for satellite radio, beer, and weed to keep us entertained before we got inside.

Then, around 3:30, we headed in.  This was also when the storm was at its worst.  Winds up to 60 mph.  Snow AND sleet pounding our face, as if they were sharp knives thrown by flying ninja monkeys.  Walking into the stadium was an adventure, I got blown down from the wind a few times.  I saw a girl slip and fall on her ass, and watched a couple of under dressed dudes (one with a hole in his shoe) stave off hypothermia by chugging a flask of whiskey on their way into Gillette.  It was awesome and intimidating at the same time.  The only thing left missing in our short adventure of a walk to our seats was a labyrinth, guarded by a Minotaur wearing a John Hannah jersey on throwback day, on the way into the stadium.

Once in the stadium, we felt the best thing to do in this winter wonderland was to get a beverage; nothing says, “freeze my nuts off” more like Margaritas, baby!  Nine bucks a pop is steep, but they were actually quite delicious.  Also delicious were the cheerleaders, dressed up in slutty outfits for Halloween day at the stadium in this horrid weather.  Somewhere, feminists were angry, but seeing a 20-something, with a forced smile, getting paid 46 bucks to wear a Wonder Woman thong-outfit dancing to AC/DC’s, “Thunderstuck” while losing the nerves in her feet, makes me proud as an American.  We both cheered, “Hooray, America!” and happily agreed (at this point, the smiles were frozen on our face) that this is what our fore fathers fought for.

That song is also the exact point of the game the Titans decided to mentally get back on the bus.  I was happy, because this also provided a fantasy freeroll as I have Chris Johnson (who had 104 yds rushing) in my 14-man league, and didn’t have to worry about my selfish monetary conflicts affecting my fandom.  This is why I don’t have Yankees on my fantasy baseball team; and also why I have never cashed in any of my fantasy baseball leagues.

There was one play where the Pats where on their 15th consecutive TD drive (they got 33 first downs!), Keith Bullock had to call timeout at the Titans 5 yard line.  He just put his hands up in the air towards the Titans bench, placed his hands on his hips, and slowly tilted his head down in epic failure.  And it was awesome.

Although on the way home (we left with about 10 minutes left in the 4th), I was listening to the radio call by the Pats play-by-play guys, and have never heard the following from Gil Santos: “Titans on their own 15 yard line, 1st and 10.  Snap, Young hands off to Javon Ringer, and he is……oh my, the poor thing……..just swallowed up at the 13 by 7 Patriots defenders.  This is awful, just horrible.  They really just need to kneel on the ball and pack it in.  The kid doesn’t deserve this, he’s just a rookie.  Sums just the game right there, Geno.”  Geno: “Yup, time for Jeff Fisher to start a drinking habit!” (OK, I made that up, but pretty much implied in that statement).

Although when I got home to thaw out my balls, I had the pleasure of catching NFL Gameday, my new favorite show.  I was pleased to hear Rich Eisen, Deion Sanders, and Coach Mariucci snicker not once, but twice, when Eisen was describing Vikings’ TE Visanthe Shiancoe, “popping out on a valve route” or “dangling around the back of the end zone”.  It also featured thehighlight 3-block play of Louis Murphy on Zach Miller’s TD catch, which pretty much should be shown to every want-to-be football player in America.  Just awesome.

The DeSean Jackson Award of the week goes to Alabama Safety Mark Barron (video around 2:23), who (thanks to going up again inept at times Gamecocks’ coach Steve Spurrier, who should have challenged) threw the ball backwards on one of only 2 TDs in the game (hit the under!).  The video doesn’t show it real well, but on ESPN’s reverse wire camera angle, it is clear he throws the ball backwards at around the 1 yard line.  Why do kids do this?  Is it because the SEC is so nitty on celebrations, that instead of doing a dance, they throw the ball backwards near the goalline?  I’d rather take the penalty and the points!

Roger Goodell wants to not only have the Super Bowl in London, but also a team.  No, no, and no.  Just stupid.  The Brits don’t care, they have commie roundball in form of the Barclay’s Premier League to watch.  No player would want to play there, the road trips would be brutal (imagine a 10-12 hour road trip to San Diego?  What would the line be for the London Tallywhackers, +20?), and the weather is shitty.  If they ever have the Super Bowl in London, just call it the Super Bowel, because that is what it would be.  How about the rotation of New Orleans/San Diego/Miami/Vegas?  So much better destinations!

Onto the picks:

College 6pt Teaser:

LSU -2 vs Auburn

USC -14.5 vs Oregon State

NFL:

Oakland +6.5 vs NY Jets

Oakland, I guess, IS a professional football team!  I have to bet on Louis Murphy’s boys here getting the job done.  The Jets are 1-10 in Oakland, their only win coming in the AFL era under Namath in the 1960’s.  Not only that, they may start to hate their coach, who seems more and more shaky as they lose each week.  Maybe if he didn’t call a team’s gameplan (one that beat him) a “gimmick”, and maybe had a sense of humor like Jeff Fisher, his players wouldn’t be so down on themselves when things start going bad in games.  Plus they have no Kris Jenkins, big day for Fargas and Bush, methinks.  Plus, Sanchez and J.Russell’s combined QB rating will be at around 19.5…..the under is 34.5 (lol).

Indianapolis -13.5 @ St.Louis

It’s in a dome, off a bye week with Freeney getting healthy, and Bob Sanders is back.  And the Colts, unlike the Jaguars, are actually a good football team.  I wonder if Mark Bulger says to Kyle Boller, “Hey, you want a few snaps?  I have to check up on how Peyton is doing on my fantasy team.”

GB -7/-9 @ Cleveland

I got this at -7 before the flu hit Cleveland’s locker room.  Their best player, DT Shawn Rogers, is questionable.  I’d still take the 9….. Green Bay knows it needs to beat up on the creampuffs on its schedule to have any shot of making the division close with Minny, who they play in a few weeks in Lambeau.

6pt teaser of the Week:

KC +11 vs San Diego

NYG -1 vs Arizona

FIU had just attempted a 4th and goal and didn’t score, that’s where we pick up the action with Troy in the lead 42-27……

Troy ball at 1:37 left in 4th quarter

1st and 10 at TROY 6: TROY penalty 3 yard Delay of Game on Team accepted.
1st and 13 at TROY 3: Levi Brown rush for 2 yards to the Troy 5.
2nd and 11 at TROY 5: Timeout FLORIDA INTL, clock 1:32.
2nd and 11 at TROY 5: Levi Brown rush for no gain, fumbled, forced by FIU, recovered by Troy Levi Brown at the Troy 5.
3rd and 11 at TROY 5: Team rush for a loss of 1 yard to the Troy 4.
4th and 12 at TROY 4: Team rush for a loss of 2 yards to the Troy 2.

DRIVE TOTALS: TROY drive: 4 plays -4 yards, 01:33 TROY DOWNS

FIU ball at 0:04

1st and Goal at TROY 2: Paul McCall pass complete to Jason Frierson for 2 yards for a TOUCHDOWN.

Score: 42-33

End of 4th Quarter

You’d think they could waste two extra seconds in there somehow. Troy’s QB must not be on good terms with his defense.

I went 1-4 on SEC plays last week (ended up taking the under 44 in LSU/FLA as I was on tilt after near misses early in the day).  I ended up breaking even on Saturday thanks to that and the Dodgers sweeping St. Louis, who I had @ +125 WITH home field advantage (Don’t the bookies have ESPN?  Where every night/morning SportsCenter would lead off with highlights of Andre Either celebrating with his teammates at home plate with weekly walk-offs at Dodger Stadium?  Am I missing something here?).

I however KILLED it on NFL this Sunday, going 5-0 and hitting all of my teasers, mostly thanks to Cincy (now known by Gus Johnson as the “Cardiac Cats!”, and yes, with the exclamation point) helping me complete not only the teasers I mentioned last week, but I also gambled it up with a 4 team teaser at +350 and hit that too.  Hopefully I can keep the roll going.  Here are some random thoughts on the week:

The Browns winning a game with only 2 completions has to now place the Bills as a lead nominee for “The Darwin Awards”.  How can you only score 3 points, at home (granted with some of that swirling, crazy wind in Northern NY) against a team who not only is lacking in talent, but also smarts.  Just take a look at this quote from Defensive Captain D’Qwell Jackson:

Browns linebacker and co-captain D’Qwell Jackson was among the most stunned by the Browns 0-3 start. “Every year I think we’re going to go 16-0, so I’m shocked that we’re 0-3.”

I’m not, D’Qwell.  Granted maybe you have more faith in your teammates than I do, but seriously, 16-0?  At least say something somewhat attainable, like 10-6 or something.  The fact you can’t recognize your team blows maybe proves that the dementia that esteemed journalist Malcolm Gladwell wrote about in The New Yorker this week maybe is more of a problem than we thought.  I certainly can, and plan to profit off of it!

Andre Johnson is a beast.  That is all.

Dre Bly epically failing to be Deion Sanders.

Dre, this is how it is done (or maybe not….maybe this is where the “Hunter Smith: whitest player” beef came from?).

Poor form, Donnie Avery.  Not only do you celebrate with a gay-ish dance after scoring a TD late in the 4th (which is OK I guess, the Rams will be lucky to score 10 TDs this year), down 31-3….you then push away your teammate (former Cowboys Hard Knocker) Danny Amendola, which can’t look good to your teammates, coaches, and the fans of the Rams.  And Yes, I will blatantly admit I was giddy to type in the phrase, “Hard Knocker”, all week.  Avery gets the Double Facepalm Player of the Week award.

Onto the picks:

Alabama/South Carolina Under 45

Big game in the SEC between two really good defensive teams, and two very vanilla offenses.  Only offensive scare will be outstanding Alabama return man Javier Arenas versus a piss poor South Carolina special teams unit.

Jackonsville, -9.5, vs St. Louis.

Mo-Jones-Drew is pissed, St.Louis blows, is 0-5, and has no road TDs, they have the bad karma of Donnie Avery working against them, and Jacksonville is coming off a 41-0 loss @ Seattle.  I always remember my dad saying, “Beware of the team that gets blown out a week before and is playing at home.  They will play harder the week after, not only for pride, but if anything, to shut the coaches up from yelling at them in the meetings”.

Philly -14 @ Oakland

The aforementioned quote from my dad applies to professional, and even college, teams.  Oakland is neither.

Bears @ Atlanta Over 46

This probably gets smashed around the 3rd quarter.

Teasers of the Week (6 point):

KC @ WAS +12

GB -7.5 vs DET

AND

HOU +11 @ CIN

NYJ -4 vs BUF

The Lions may want to work on their kickoff coverage, maybe they should hire the Bears ball boy.

I have become accustomed to betting (and winning) on SEC division football games over the last year.  I usually take SEC home dogs, and also the under.  These games are usually intense, full of defenses with players who will play on Sundays, middle-of-the-road teams with an offensive star who usually also gets drafted, and full of football coaches who can recruit, but have no idea how to manage the game or even do simple A-B-C playcalling.

For example, like when Les Miles, on the road in a tough place in Athens and up 6-0, not only decided to go for it on 4th and 1 from the 21 with the most vanilla QB sneak play formation, ever, versus a Georgia team with a strong D-Line (memo to coaches on the road; this means you, Jim Zorn: TAKE THE FUCKING FIELD GOAL), but also decided to kneel on the ball with 11 seconds left and 1 timeout, from the Georgia 33.   Instead of trying a TD pass or at least try to steal a long field goal before the half ends, he kneels on it.  Instead of it potentially being 12-0, it’s 6-0.  This type of coaching is what helps you hit the under.

You must be careful of the referees, however, in college football.  They have a way of calling the most ticky-tac unsportsmanlike penalties at the worst times to give bettors a sweat.  The unintentional comedy moment of the week was when SEC on CBS analyst Gary Danielson was critiquing the TD “celebration” of an LSU running back in slow motion replay.  “Oh, there he is, going to the mouth with his finger, yup, you gotta call that.  I guess.  He maybe should of went with the Running Man, Verne.  It’s more subtle but yet captures the emotion of the moment.”

OK, I made that last part up, but you know what I mean.  His main quote that really put the point home was, “the only thing I see excessive is the flags”.  Last week, there was not one but two 15 yard unsportsmanlike calls at the end of touchdowns late in the forth quarter that almost resulted in a 6-0 game with 7 minutes to go, turn into a 20-20 game that heads into overtime, killing my under bet of 50.  Thankfully, I was betting against Georgia QB Joe Cox, who not only is terrible, but also looks like Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color.  The Tigers held on, 20-13.

One of my SEC plays is Ole Miss +5 at home, versus Alabama.  Ole Miss doesn’t play 60 minutes all the time, and Houston Nutt can give bettors a heart attack as evidenced by his “timeout with season on the line, let’s call a screen” debacle.  But the Ole Miss Rebels usually pull off one big upset per year in the SEC (most of the middle tier teams do), and Alabama, a team who has limited personnel on offense minus WR Julio Jones, is a prime candidate to put up an offensive stinker on the road.  The only worry is Nick Saban is one of the few coaches in the SEC who manages the game properly, but that just means Alabama, if they win, will take it down in a nail biter.  I like the Rebels with the points here.

I also have a juicy teaser with South Carolina -4 at home versus Kentucky (by far the worst team in the SEC) and LSU +13.5 at home versus Florida (who may or may not have Tim Tebow).  This will be, by far, Florida’s biggest test minus the SEC championship on their title run.  LSU has a mediocre offense, but their defense is full of playmakers, including outstanding CB Jordan Jefferson. The under is at 44, which may be a bit low.  If Tebow doesn’t play, then I might consider taking that too.

Speaking of South Carolina, if you are ever golfing and hit your ball into the water hazard (I’m talking to you, Allen Gowin), do not, I repeat, DO NOT put your hand in the hazard to get your ball.  Although if this does ever happen to you, Allen, I am legally changing your name to Chubbs Peterson.

If you need a reason to dislike the Yankees, this article will give you plenty of reasons to.  An article which also touches on the subject of sports slowly creeping away from our culture consciousness thanks to rising ticket prices across the board, and tickets even being used as bribes for business deals, here’s an example of the type of Yankee fan that attends the games today in the best of seats in the Stadium:

Inevitably, one group of equity traders — they worked at Fidelity — got caught. The thing that finally brought the whole thing to a close was a 2003 bachelor party for one of the traders. Everyone heard about it: private jets to Miami, a yacht, a bag of Ecstasy, a warren of rooms at the uber-exclusive Delano Hotel, some hookers, some strippers, some red meat, medium-rare. Oh, and one midget, named Danny Black, to toss off the boat. All told, $160,000 for a weekend at the beach.

“It wasn’t like a three-ring circus,” groused the father-in-law of the groom, disgraced Tyco executive Dennis Kozlowski, to the tabloids at the time. “It was a nice party. There was only one dwarf.”

Now onto the picks for the week:

Cincinnati/Baltimore under 42

Miami +110 Money Line

Seattle Pk versus Jacksonville (if you can find it)

Two 6 point Teasers of the week:

ATL +8 @ SF

NYG -9 vs OAK

and

CIN +14.5 @ BAL

MIN -4 @ StL

4th Quarter – 2:00
TD West Virginia 35 – Colorado 17
Ryan Clarke 8 yd. run (Tyler Bitancurt kick)

4th Quarter – 0:03
TD West Virginia 35 – Colorado 24
Markques Simas 20 yd. pass from Cody Hawkins (Aric Goodman kick)

The WVU defender on the last play actually did a 360 in the air while not making any contact with the receiver or the ball. He looked more like a figure skater than a cornerback.

Hey, Houston Texans, here’s a tip: it might be a good idea to cover that Chris Johnson guy (clip starts at around 00:38).  Looks like they need someone who can point this out to them: they need to hire Gus Johnson as their defensive coordinator to yell at their malaise personnel.  “Chris Johnson motions out of the backfield…….NOBODY IS COVERING HIM!  NOBODY IS COVERING CHRIS JOHNSON!”

I am more and more impressed by the Ravens and Joe Flacco, who may have found an offense this year to go with that defense, as proved in their 31-26 shootout win over San Diego.  A completely healthy Todd Heap makes that offense so much better, especially if Willis McGahee also stays healthy.  I think they are going to have to start making a beer with Joe Flacco’s face on the label called, “UniBrau”.

Tony Sporano, who by far has probably coached the worst 4th quarter so far this year, somehow found a way to possess the ball for 45 minutes and still lose, 27-23, to the Colts on Monday Night Football.  How? Well, first, by mostly blitzing Manning 5 out of 6 plays during the Colts’ last drive (on the TD play, he audibled into a bubble screen to WR Pierre Garcon, video starts at around 3:28, on a blitz everyone and their mother knew was coming).  Then after that disaster, he has his team run a 2 minute drill that would make Andy Reid, Herm Edwards, and Brad Childress all collectively jealous.  I don’t know who looks more organized, the Dolphins trying to run a 2 minute drill, or the cast of retards from the Johnny Knoxville film, “The Ringer”.

Mike Lombardi’s blog covers the epic fail very well.  I think a perfect title for NFL Films’ Miami Dolphins 2009 Season Highlights would be: “Back to Earth”.

(Yes, I bet the under in a game where one team holds the ball for 45 minutes.  Yes, I am still bitter).

Notre Dame had 14 guys on the field last week.  This LOL moment brought to you by Pepto Bismol: “Pepto Bismol, the official indigestion drink that’s caused by high anxiety of probably losing your job at the end of the year of Charlie Weis!”

At least I didn’t bet on Houston Nutt’s Ole Miss Rebels yesterday (had South Carolina, +5, and the under, 52.5, in a 16-10 win) .  My god, talk about poor coaching, and never mind the illegal shift AND illegal substitution penalties they had on 4th and 19 during their drive at the end of the game.  The Rebels, on 4th and 6 with about 5:52 to go in the 4th, almost get a delay of game penalty, so they have to waste one of their 3 timeouts.  But that can be good at times, right?  Get a chance to diagram your best play in a key point of the game, right?  I just wonder whose idea it was in the huddle to go, “Well, you know we need 6 yards, so……let’s call a bubble screen to the halfback 3 yards in the backfield.  Shit, if we think he can get 6, he can certainly get 9 against a top SEC defense!”.

BTW, according to Pat Darts, whenever South Carolina scores a touchdown, you have to finish your beer.  Trust me, I watch the games with my buddy Allen almost every week…………….you won’t be drinking much.

In the Lombardi blog as well, Lou pointed out to me that the Redskins, up 9-7 in the 4th quarter, actually went for it on 4th and 2 from the Rams’ 2 yard-line in their 9-7 win on Sunday.  Just take the 3 points, Jim Zorn!  Doesn’t he know the Redskins only get offense when they’re an underdog that needs to cover the spread?  As Lombardi mentions, “My man Ray Gustini never makes this mistake on Madden. How can you not remember this and just kick the field goal and make it a five- point game?” (This also proves my point that I could be just a good, or better, professional head football coach, using my extensive Madden 2010 experience and 45-15 record on XBOX360 live as reference).

All this points to me loading up on Detroit this week.  Get em in a teaser, take the points (+6), take the money line (+220).  I mean, if Jim Schwartz can’t put on the film of the scene above during preparation, and go to his guys and say, “Look, fellas, if we can’t beat a team this flawed this week, we’re probably going 0-16 again”, and that doesn’t motivate them, I don’t know what will.

Here are the picks:

Detroit +6/+220 Money Line (I’m taking the ML, but I like to gambol).

Miami/San Diego Over 44

Teaser of the Week (6pt):

Indianapolis +8 @ Arizona

Baltimore -7.5 vs Cleveland

The NFL and Nature

The NFL has become so fast and efficient that last season, teams each scored 22.03 points per game, the highest since 1967, while all the league’s 32 teams combined for 11,279 points—the most in NFL history.

The game has become less cluttered. Offenses averaged just 3.09 turnovers (interceptions and fumbles) per game, the lowest of all time by more than 10%, and offensive lines allowed just 4.04 sacks per game—also the lowest ever. Even place kickers set a new mark: They made a record-high 84.5% of their field-goal attempts.

Some football thinkers believe these numbers speak to a temporary period of offensive dominance in the NFL—just one more high point in an endlessly fluctuating historical curve. But if you venture a bit beyond the particulars of football, to the principles of science, there’s another argument to be made: that the NFL’s high-speed, high-scoring offenses are a reflection of one of the laws of nature—the tendency of all things to evolve toward efficiency.

From this week’s TMQ: “Stats of the Week No. 7: Cleveland has one offensive touchdown in its past eight games.” I wonder if the Cleveland announcers will be like Oakland’s last year? Touchdown Raiders Offense!

Gus Johnson again had the best game of the day in week two. Last year I changed my fantasy team name to “Going with Gus” for a week, but it was because I was starting this guy. I could be convinced to put the stopwatch away. Gus & Steve Tasker have Cleveland (+13) at Baltimore this week. Just saying…

49ers fans are wondering about Mike’s stopwatch too.

Nice to see Tom Brady back on the Patriots injury report.

If this is a sport, how can we set lines and bet on it?

Note to all coaches: If your team is underperforming, paying off disgruntled fans is always an option.

Lastly, this is the coolest bookstore ever.

Pittsburgh is -6.5 tonight at home to the Titans. I felt that was a bit too much, although they will definitely win the game (I think no ring team has yet to lose the Thursday opener) and I really like a close battle in the ACC tonight between Clemson and GA Tech, as both teams know that this is a big game tonight in a very wide open ACC. Clemson also has a new coach in Dabo Sweeney (whose teams covered the last 4 games of the year in ‘08), who actually has a pulse and can motivate and coach during games…..unlike the last coach, Tommy Bowden, who was great at recruiting, but not good at game planning (or keeping his daughter’s nude spread eagle pic off of the interweb). Paul Johnson leads and GT squad who can run that football, with arguably the best running back in the country in Jonathan Dwyer; their defense is vulnerable in the secondary, and Clemson usually has some of the best WR recruits in the nation.

So, I took a 6-point tease with Pittsburgh now at +0.5 and Clemson +11.5 @ -110. 15.48 to win 30, why not?

“First miracle cover of the year. Meaningless TD run wit 6 seconds left in the Ole Miss/Memphis game.”

Boxscore; line was Ole Miss -28